just had my first trip to taiwan with family the last few days.

though it was only a short visit to Kaohsiung, I unexpectedly found a gem at a second-hand CD shop. alright not exactly a gem, but it's an album by Korean singer-songwriter Kim Dong-ryul. I've been looking for his music in HK shops ever since I heard his song "Start"(출발) on tv. although there are several tracks available online, I still found the need to actually purchase a copy of the disc. it is sort of how I show my support towards the musician. you may ask, why don't I buy it online? well, I think that is a matter of choice. and 隨緣吧. although I wasn't sure if the CD I got had "Start" in it, I bought it anyway. after I got back home, I popped the disc into my discman (yes I still own a discman) and VOILA! the first track is what I had in mind =)

okay back to this large island east of china. we were lucky enough to enjoy the nice whether at Kaohsiung, with occasional showers only. Liuhe night market, eat eat eat. mini excursion to Hsiao Liu Chiu (Small Okinawa), interesting view and rocky landscapes and lots of 珊瑚礁石. bought 麻花捲. 好好味! paid respects to my uncle who passed away 8 years ago there, visited national sun yat sen university, went to 誠品, kaohsiung film archive etc.

we didn't really do a lot or see a lot, considering that we wanted the trip to be more relaxing. quite enjoyable but next time probably I'd do the planning... lol

有些人會用 過去式 或 現在式 甚至 "未來式" (I'm not sure if this is the right term for future tense...)去形容某些人對自己的意義

in english there is the 'ex-' something something for previous something somethings...

但. 有些根本沒有發生過的事件, 沒有開始過的, 也會被人冠以過去式

例如

以前 暗戀的某某 (但 從沒一起過) = 那個人是我的過去式... (?... 好像不太對勁...)

以前 想讀的科目 (但 從沒有讀過) = 那科目是過去式...

以前 想做的行業 (但 從沒有做過) = 那份工作是過去式...

大佬呀. 未經歷過點可以算係｢過去式｣ 呀?

past tense supposedly 係發生過, it actually happened 先算家嘛. ok even if you say your crush on someone is a thing that happened in the past, it only makes the action of having a crush belong to the past. it does not mean that the person you had a crush on becomes your past tense. get it? :/

actually there is no point in this post muahahaha. thanks for letting me waste your time. i only wrote this after i randomly set a subject title for it. and none of the above really happened either. fictional stuff.

so should fiction be past tense or present tense or future tense? theoretically it never occurred so shouldn't be past tense; it's not happening now either so won't be present tense; i also doubt if it'll happen in the future at all...

so fiction should be a kind of assumption or "假設性" blah blah blah? what is it????

好yeah我癲左亂諗野

grammar 零雞蛋  *clap clap clap*

you win, I lose.

tug of love?

despite being unable to speak a word of french (which isn't exactly true.. lol), I'd still like to express some of my emotions in francais.

and all I know is

Je t'aime beaucoup!

I don't know why. I'm happy.

and I feel rather bubbly right now. which isn't too good for a time like this. bedtime.

yawn. I smile at this one simple thought.

(:

we all have experienced this before.

you have no idea what happened, but then your friend(s) just drifted away. perhaps that's the exact problem. absolutely nothing happened. and you kind of made sure of that. because, you didn't do anything. nothing at all. nope...

have you ever had this feeling that after you say goodbye to that person, you're not actually sure when's the next time you'll say hello?

and after a while, you start to wonder, why didn't they look for me? did I do something wrong? maybe they're just busy? or maybe I think too highly of myself. after all, who am I to that person?

did it ever cross your mind that, they're probably thinking of the same thing? or they might be as lazy and lousy as you are in sustaining friendships. and they might be thinking, "oh, mustn't look for them. don't wanna bother them. don't wanna be annoying."

and funnily enough, while you guys are in two different places, gazing into the sky, or looking at the screen in front of you, you might actually be thinking of each other. and not doing anything. when you could have restarted a whole new conversation with them, or just simply continued your previous chat.

"Let's chat later." "I'll look for you tmr!" "ttyl" "until tomorrow!!! =)" "catch up soon!"

and you never know when "later" will happen, what "soon" means, or when "tomorrow" will arrive.

oh man. and it makes you feel so bummered.

but hey, who is it to blame? hm?

anyway

to end on a positive note, here is Stephen Bashaw's When Tomorrow Comes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w57buDugLxc

good luck.

it's important to know what makes us happy.

disconnected, but connected.

we are on the same page.

as I've mentioned previously, I was at Singapore the past few days and only returned to HK some hours ago.

it was in many ways a surprisingly rewarding trip for me. musically, religiously, spiritually, intellectually. and it really is true how people connect more easily when they see one another for long periods of time. have been able to bond with brothers and sisters, and I'd say we all became better friends if not closer family.

and then there's the unexpected. a sudden request to be the announcer and to narrate a short story, only three hours before the actual thing. but it was fun.

and the other unexpected thing. it just made smile. a lot. like a silly person. a very silly person. there's just this immense joy rumbling inside of me. just the sight of it makes me smile. it was so difficult to contain it I had to cover up my smile with my musical scores. oh silly me. I instantly felt this mutual yet invisible connection. perhaps I'm wrong. perhaps I'm right.

let's be friends.

another day another destiny.

nah. just a short flight to singapore. short trip with sacred singers leh.

23-27/4. semi-hectic schedule la, I've had worse.

actually humans have always attempted to triumph over the skies. alas, we have no wings. we cannot soar as the eagle.

we need tools and gears to help us fly, fly high up into the skies.

o for the wings of a dove, faraway would I rove.

in the wilderness build me nest, and remain there forever at rest.

gonna sing this anthem again at singapore. how timely.

and gotta read a poem by George Herbert, "Easter Wings". well, Easter just passed...

anyway. maybe I could look for wings of my own, some "Esther Wings" perhaps.

or.

I could just simply fly away .

who said we needed wings to take flight.

would you take flight or take the fight, the fight with me.

不能寫. 就是不能寫. I just, can't.

sometimes it's for no reason. well, I don't care if there is a reason. doesn't matter at all.

早幾日睡不著, 半夜寫了首短短的歌, 配了些詞. 或許之後會加一個verse, or extend and add a coda/bridge. or perhaps not.

本來想寫的主題, 寫寫下卻變了樣. 本來灰灰地, 竟然不自覺地變了有色彩、有夢想的.

原來subconsciously都唔想自己咁灰.

腦內那個主題雖仍揮之不去, 但我就是不能寫.

係寫唔出. 一粒音都寫唔出. 一粒字都寫唔出.

然之後昨晚一連串幾個夢, 幾個人, 幾件瑣碎事. 有喜有悲, 有疑問, 有吵鬧, 有冷漠. 夢境中的心情高低起伏.

wow 勁呀我又坐過山車喇, 仲要係single rider添!

T^T

放心我不會哭的. 因為根本無這需要.

我不能寫.

其實

是不能捨.

閃光彈.

每當你覺得他們的閃光彈討厭的時候(註: 不是煩厭/肉麻/無奈, 而是討厭), 便是你潛意識提醒自己還喜歡著那人的時候. (though sometimes it's your consciousness rather than subconsciousness...)

you know what I'm talking about. don't deny it, don't even try.

every single time when you see them together, exchanging looks, wrapped around each other, you feel like dying all over again. as if the moment when you found out they were together didn't already kill you. perhaps you just had to discover novel ways of dying, and new adjectives to describe the torment you go through every time they unknowingly display intimacy of any kind.

oh dear. and it makes you weaker and weaker, time after time. you become so fragile, too fragile to look for someone new, someone to "shine" with you. you are now unable to shine on your own, yet refuse to let others come up to you and shine with/for you, because you are afraid to reveal your frailty.

討厭的閃光彈. I hate you.

there are moments when I don't know if it's real
or if anybody feels the way I feel...